


You Will Be Found

by needtosleepawhile



Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor didn't die, Depression, Friendship, Self Harm, Suicide, They send emails, You Will Be Found, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needtosleepawhile/pseuds/needtosleepawhile
Summary: What if Connor Murphy didn't die?Evan saw that something was wrong. He saw the signs and helped.He learns about the person that Connor really was.Connor gets to have a life.They both get to have a friend.





	1. Red Flags

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in over a year. So I decided to start art 11:30pm and finish at 1:30am today.  
> I have loved Dear Evan Hansen for a long time, but this week I've really felt for it, and I had a thought. What if Connor didn't die? What if he was helped?  
> It really upsets me thinking about the fact that the Connor we see and know isn't even real, we don't know him, and he could have had a life if he just had some help. I have several personal experiences relating to mental illness and suicide, and I wanted to write something for Connor, and for people like him.  
> I don't want this story to just seem like I'm just writing it so Evan and Connor can be together. I'm not even see if that's the direction I want this story to go. But I have a couple of chapters in mind that I want to put out there, and maybe I won't ever finish the full story, but at least Connor will have something.  
> I hope that you like this story.  
> Than you x

"Uh... Hansen."  
Evan span around, a book slipped from his hand. He had thought the hallway was empty. He'd been humming to himself as he put his books back into his locker, when he heard the voice. The book landed with a thud on the waiting persons foot. When he saw it was Connor Murphy, Evan turned red with embarrassment.  
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't hear you coming and you scared me, I'm sorry, are you okay, shoot, I'm sorry, is there anything I can do, probably not, that was stupid to ask!" The words came out in a nervous jumble. He didn't know what to do, he just watched, rambling on and gesturing with his hands, as Connor knelt down and picked up the book. "I'm sorry, are you okay? I'm sorry. I'll go if you want, please don't-" Evan stopped abruptly.  
The day before, Connors features had been twisted with anger, after reading Evans therapy letter. He thought he must have come to say something about Zoe. But now Connor just looked... sad. Tired.  
"Dude, its... whatever," Connor grumbled, handing the book back to Evan. "I just came cuz..." he hesitated, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets.  
Evan fumbled and almost dropped the book again. He threw it into the locker and slammed the door, a little too loud in the quiet empty hall.  
"W-what's up?" Evan asked. "If it's about yesterday, I can explain, it's just some stupid thing, really, I'm not just some creepy stalker or anything, I'll leave Zoe alone-" he cringed at mentioning Zoe, but noticed Connor didn't even react to his words, he just held his gaze to the floor. Dark circles hung under his eyes, his hair looked greasy and unkept. Connor pulled out a hand to scratch his cheek, and Evan saw his varnish flaked nails where bitten so much the skin was pink and bloody.  
"I came to say sorry," Connor said, "for being a dick yesterday. And any other time I've ever been a dick."  
The comment surprised Evan. His heart was pounding, and his palms were damp with sweat. He took a breath in to calm himself, and caught the scent of sweat and musky clothes.  
"I'm just saying cuz... I'm gunna be... well. I wanted to do a good thing before I go." Connor shifted his feet and stood up a little straighter. He looked up and down the hall, eyes flicking from place to place.  
"Where, uh... where are you going?" Evan asked politely.  
Connor coughed, clearing his throat.  
"I'm um... going away." He muttered.  
"Like... rehab?" Evan regretted it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. "I mean, not that I'd expect you to go somewhere like that, just cuz, I dunno, drugs are a thing-"  
Connor looked at Evans face for the first time then, really focused on him, and shook his head.  
"Dude, no, not rehab, I'm... I'm not coming back to school. And you were maybe the last person I was a complete asshole to while I'm here so I wanted to... do, like, one nice thing before I'm..." he blinked, clenching his jaw for a second. "Before I'm gone."  
Something was wrong here.  
Evan never expected this of Connor, he had just planned to avoid the other boy for as long as he could and hope Connor never said a word about him to anyone else. It was a little impossible to forget Connor when he'd scrawled his name onto Evan's cast, but at least someone had done it. But this wasn't right. It gave Evan a sick feeling in his stomach.  
"Connor," he said gently, "are you... okay?"  
Connor shrugged his shoulders, and took a step back from Evan, smiling in a way that didn't reach his eyes.  
"Everything'll be fine now." he said, sounding final, like he'd made up his mind. "Just... stay gold, Evan Hansen."  
He walked away, and Evan had the strong urge to follow him, but his feet were glued to to the spot. The interaction left him tense- social interaction always left him tense- but this time it was different. There were a lot of red flags waving, waving so big and tall that Evan didn't know how he hadn't seen them before. He didn't know if anyone had seen them.  
He stood for a little longer, running his fingers through his hair, muttering to himself.  
"What should I do? What he'll probably be fine. Everything will be fine. There's no need. He doesn't need me for anything... but he did say... and he looks..."  
Evan decided, he would go home.  
He would take his school stuff back, have dinner (maybe with his mum, maybe not), and pack a few things.  
And then he would go to the Murphy's house.


	2. Sweaty Palms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan meets the Murphy family.

_'Hey, honey, I'm gunna be late home! Grab whatever you like from the fridge, and I promise we'll get something extra special tomorrow, okay? Love you!'_

Heidi's not was stuck to the fridge.  
It was fine with Evan, his mom was busy and he understand that. It did upset him sometimes. But by the time he had arrived home from school, his stomach was twisted with nerves and he had lost his appetite.  
"Okay, what do I need? Whats probably good? I dunno what I'm even doing, is this even important? He's probably fine... but what if he's not? I don't know, I don't know..."

He talked to himself a lot when he was alone. He had to get his thoughts out somehow, even if there was no one to listen. He ran up the stairs to his room, and dumped the contents of his bag onto the bed. He started filling the bag with a pile of leaflets for counselling he'd collected, a book that his counselor had recommended about talking and sadness and positivity (which his mum excitedly bought for him, sure that it would help), a note pad, and a pen. He also grabbed his charger, for if his phone died, and a candy bar from his drawer, in case he did get hungry... and so he wouldn't have to ask for anything from the Murphy's.

"Should I take clothes? That would be weird. I'm not staying there. Am I even going to get there? What if he answers the door and it freaks him out? What if _Zoe_ answers the door? What if I don't even knock on the door because by the time I get their I'm too nervous? This is stupid. I'm stupid."  
Evan sat down on the bed and sighed, listening to the quiet of the house. He was afraid to go, but thinking about Connor- the way he looked, the things he said- they scared him even more.  
Why did Evan really even care? Connor had been awful to him. He wasn't his friend, he didn't have to do this. But he wanted to make sure he was alright. Thats it. Evan would just knock on the door, have a little chat with Connor, find out where he says hes going, and then come home. That's cool. Nothing to worry about. And anyway, Connor was probably fine... No harm done in making sure though.

\-----

Evan knew where the Murphy house was because he'd overheard Zoe mention the address when she invited people to a party. He knew because on his way home from school, he would go past and see Connor and Zoe walking at a distance, and neither one leaving the door open for the other. He wondered why he never saw the two of them speak at school, and why Connor was so defensive of his sister even though they didn't seem to associate with each other. Siblings were like that, Evan guessed.

He stood at the end of the driveway, the car parked outside and lights shining through the windows. It was sunset, and there was a beautiful pink glow to everything. A perfect evening to just be going on a walk, just passing by, and thinking about knocking on the door to say hello...  
Evan's heart thumped in his chest and his palms were wet. He clutched he own hands tightly, staring up at the house. He stood like that for maybe five minutes, every second feeling painful, as thoughts ran around his mind.  
_Just do it. Just go up there. Walk over. No big deal. He'll think your'e a freak. This is stupid. Your'e stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

He heard footsteps coming along the path. There was nowhere to hide, his mind blanked of all excuses, when he saw Zoe heading towards him. She had earphones in and was looking at the ground in front of her as she walked. Evan wondered whether just quickly walking to the door and knocking was a good idea with her just behind him, but then she looked up and saw him. She was surprised, glancing with wide eyes from him to her house and back again.  
"Uh... hey," she said, slowly, taking her earphones out. "Can I help you?"  
"I uh... I'm... m-my n-names..." Evan stuttered, feeling the panic crawling up inside him. Zoe stopped a couple of feet away from him, house key held tightly in her hand.  
"Oh, you know Connor?" she asked, pointing to Evan's cast. He looked at it himself, looking as though he had forgotten it was there.  
"Uh yeah, I was just, um, coming over to do homework or-or-or something, and um, I wasn't sure if this was the house, so I just, um..." Evan stopped talking abruptly and waited, his legs screaming at him to run away. _Zoe was talking to him. Actually talking to him._ Zoe smiled, small and unsure.

"Well, okay. This is the his house. My names-"  
"Zoe! Yes, I know you. He's talked about you. I'm Evan. He's probably never mentioned me."  
Her eyes were wide and she held her lips tightly together. Evan tapped his fingers on his leg nervously and looked back at the house.  
"Okay... lets go inside then. My brother is probably in his room, doing... whatever." Zoe sighed, and started walking up the path. She stopped when she noticed Evan hadn't immediately followed. Evan felt far away, like he was looking at everything from behind glass. He forced his legs to move and silently followed Zoe inside.

"Mom, dad, Im home! Connor's friend is here!" Zoe called.  
The house felt warm, and big. There were family photos on the walls and a slightly more wealthy air than Evan's own home. A woman called back from the kitchen.  
"Connor's friend?" Footsteps approached and a kind faced couple that slightly resembled Connor and Zoe entered the hallway. Zoe started walking up the stairs, talking over her shoulder as she went.  
"I'm going to do homework, I don't want dinner, I had food at Ali's house." And in seconds, Zoe had disappeared behind her bedroom door, leaving Evan, and Mr and Mrs Murphy watching each other. Mr Murphy reached out a hand, which Evan shook, conscious of his damp palms, trying to discreetly wipe them on his shirt.  
"Hi there! I'm Larry and this is Cynthia. We haven't met any of Connor's friends since... Well, anyway." They both stared at Evan expectantly.  
"Oh, I'm Evan, I go to school with Connor. Evan Hansen." He spoke a little bit too loudly, seeing the shock in their faces. "Um, is Connor upstairs? I'll just go up, we have some work to do, and I promised him I'd help..." Evan quickly shuffled past them and up the stairs before realizing he didn't actually know which room it was. "Uh... which way do I...?" he muttered, turning back. Larry pointed him in the right direction, while Cynthia strained a smile across her face.

Zoe's music could be heard drifting down the hall, Cynthia and Larry were mumbling as they went back in the kitchen. There was complete silence from inside Connor's room.

Evan took a deep breath and knocked.


	3. Bare Ankles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks to Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm mentions  
> Not properly proof read right now, because I just wanted to get this part posted.  
> I'll remove this message when I have time to look it over!  
> I hope you enjoy x

Nothing moved inside the room.

Evan knocked again, but still nothing. He didn’t want to disturb Connor if he was just ignoring him, but the thought occurred that something… bad might have already happened. What if he found him just lying there? No. There was no point worrying about that. Evan gentle turned the handle and pushed the door. A single lamp lit the room from one corner, and Evan took in everything instantly.

A warm, musty smell hit his nose. There were clothes strewn across the floor, a bin beside a desk was overflowing with paper and candy wrappers. The desk and shelf were chaos, but maybe, Evan thought, it was an organised form of chaos that no one but Connor understood. What surprised Evan was that there were no posters on the walls. Or, there used to be, but they had all been taken down. Marks had been left by tape and tacks, and there were faint squares of different shaded paint. And Connor lay there on his bed, still in his clothes from the day, his matted hair spread across the pillow. He wore headphones, and Evan could faintly hear the music. He looked so peaceful, but the dark circles of his eyes seemed worse in the light. There were pill bottles and packets on the bedside table. One of Connor’s hoodie sleeves was pushed up just enough that Evan could see scars. The large boots he usually wore had been thrown across the room, leaving small-looking feet, and bare ankles, decorated with fresh cuts.

He didn’t want to disturb Connor but he wasn’t sure what to do, so he turned and shut the door. The sound of it closing and the movement made Connor open his eyes. He leapt up, ripping the headphones off, his expression instantly changing. He stood defensively, hands balled into fists, with a mouth that looked ready to spit venom. Evan put his back against the wall and held up his hands.

“What the fuck are-” Connor began, his voice sounding more poisonous than when he had yelled at Evan before. But when he saw Evan stood there, Connor changed. He relaxed his shoulders, and opened his fists. His head darted around the room, checking if anyone else was there.  
“What are _you_ doing here?” he mumbled. “What the fuck, Hansen?”

Evan put down his arms and started ringing his hands. He had gotten this far and wasn’t sure what to do now that Connor Murphy was actually stood in front of him.  
“Spit it out, Hansen, c’mon.” Connor took a step forward, and Evan flinched.  
“Uh, it was Zoe. Zoe let me in. I said I came to help you with homework, but I don’t think they believed me, I don’t know what they think. I met your parents, they seemed nice, but really I-I-I just wanted to um, make sure you were okay, and uh, you said some stuff today that got me worried so-” Evan took off his bag and started unzipping it. Connor’s arms dropped to his sides, and he watched Evan closely. Evan started to pull the leaflets out of his bag, but then decided it may be too early in the conversation for that sort of thing.

“I know you don’t like me or whatever but I wanted to make sure you were okay, because… well, because…” Evan didn’t know how to end the sentence. He wanted to say ‘because no one should have to feel like that, and I’m here if you want to talk’, but it felt too serious and too personal, not something Connor would be interested in. He let go of the leaflets and closed his bag again.  
“Because what, huh?” Connor started shoving clothes around the floor with his feet, putting them against the wall and making some floor space. “You come to look at the school nutcase? Or were you trying to see Zoe but ended up in here? What do you want?!” His voice began to rise, he started picking up the clothes and throwing them angrily. Evan just stood, mouth opening as he tried to find words. Connor suddenly stopped and barged over to Evan, standing over him, their faces close together. Evan could smell the uncleanliness of the other boy again.

“ _What is it_!?” he shouted.  
The music from down the hall turned off abruptly, and Evan could feel the whole house tense, listening. Connor seemed to notice it too.  
“I came because I thought you were going to hurt yourself.” The words left Evan’s mouth before he could stop them, in a calmer voice than he had expected. The ticking of a clock could be heard from somewhere under a pile of clothes, and Evan counted along with it.

_1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6…_

Six seconds before Connor turned his back on Evan to go sit back on the bed.  
“Why would you care?” Connor growled. His fingers fiddled inside his sleeves, and he seemed to be conscious of his ankles, crossing them.  
“Because… I just do,” Evan told him. He thought about sitting next to him, but just decided the floor was fine, sitting on a bed next to each other might be too weird at this current juncture. He got onto the floor, crossing his legs and putting his back against the door.

Music started down the hall again.

“Pfft, whatever… And what the fuck, dude? Come sit up here or something.”


	4. Dog Eared

"What did you think you were going to do when you got over here?" Connor asked.  
Evan shrugged his shoulders, fiddling with a button on his shirt and staring at the ground.

"It would have been so much easier to have let me leave, but oh no!" Connor tucked his hair behind his ears, and started to wave his hands as he spoke. "Evan Hansen, the shy kid with no friends, who shits himself when people talk to him, he had to do something this time, he had to be the... the what? The hero? You thought you'd come and rescue sad, psycho Connor? Well, how fucking kind!" His voice was getting higher and his hands moved rapidly in front of him. Evan angled his body away, feeling sick to the stomach.   
The plan he had obviously wasn't going to work. Connor wasn't fine, Evan couldn't just leave, but he didn't know what to do. He glanced at Connors ankles, then started picking at an imaginary crumb on the bed sheets.

"I uh... I wanted to just... I wanted..." he mumbled feebly.  
"You know what?" Connor barked at him. "I don't need fucking help or sympathy. I just wanted to apologise so I did one stupid good thing and then it'd all be fine. Everything would be fine."  
"But, you do need help," Evan replied quickly. "Your... your um..." he waved a finger towards Connor's feet. Connor huffed, standing up quickly and heading to a set of drawers. He opened one, pulling out a pair of mismatched socks. He dropped back onto the bed and aggressively pulled the socks on, hiding the marks from view.  
"Happy now? Out of sight out of mind, Doctor Hansen." He sounded angry, but Evan noticed Connors reddened cheeks through the curtain of hair Connor had covered his face with.

"You know what, Connor? I think-" Evan said, with a sudden, if small, bubble of confidence. "I think if you really wanted me to go you... you would have screamed at me like the other day and-and-and you could've thrown me out. But you didn't and I think..."  
Connor sat motionless, blankly staring at a space on the wall. Evan turned to properly face him.  
"You maybe had enough of being angry, and lonely and whatever else you've been feeling and you just decided.... y'know... to make it all stop."  
The two sat in silence, listening to the muffled music, and sounds of parents trying to quietly bicker downstairs. Evan counted the the seconds as the ticked on the clock somewhere on the room.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10...

The quiet became too much, so Evan started looking around the floor. He saw some things that made his chest ache- a razor blade, an unidentifiable pill, a business card for a psychiatrist. So his family had already tried doctors, Evan realised. But he saw some things he didn't expect- a dog-eared copy of Dorian Grey, a succulent in a green plant pot, a DVD case...

"Dirk Gently? You liked the show?" Evan asked, curious.  
Connor sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand- it came back wet.  
"Uh, yeah," he replied, voice shaking a little. Evan thought this was probably a great distraction from the previous topic of conversation.  
"What did you think?" he asked, trying to sound light. Connor shook his head and shrugged.  
"I uh... I liked it," Connor turned his face to Evan. His eyes were red from tears, but he weakly smirked. "I can't stand Elijah Wood though."   
Evan laughed, a little too loud and nervous. He cleared his throat.  
"Um, yeah, that's fair. I like him, and the show is cool, but it's not as good as the book. There's three books- well, technically two but the guy died before finishing the third one and they published it anyway or something, but I've only read the first one. But the shows super cool too, you have it on DVD so I suppose you like it."  
Connor's smile turned a bit more genuine. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand.  
"Yeah, it's ,like, my favourite thing to... rewatch or whatever."  
"Oh, yeah?" Evan asked. "How many times have you watched it?"

Connor tipped his head back and shrugged his shoulders, embarrassed but smirking.  
"I dunno, like... five times, maybe?"  
"Well... do you wanna watch some?"  
Connor stared at Evan with wide eyes for a moment, surprised. Then he changed. He frowned, hands balling into fists.  
"No. Get out." He said sharply.  
Evan waited, shocked by the turn.  
"You heard me. Get the fuck out." Connor stood up, pulling Evan up by the shoulder and opening the door.

"I don't need your fucking pity," he growled, shoving Evan into the hallway and slamming the door in his face. Evan heard something smack against the wall, making him jump, then angry crashing music started playing, vibrating the floor.  
Evan heard a door open, but didn't look at Zoe when she came out.

He just rushed down the stairs and out the front door.   
He didn't stop walking until he made it home.


	5. Email 1 (E)

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I can see why you think me sending you this by email would be really weird but please just hold on and read it before you decide to ignore me.**

**I go to therapy where I write letters to myself about how everything's going to be okay so my mom doesn't worry and so I can get my meds to make me less afraid to talking to people. That's what the letter you read was about.**

**And I'm maybe a little bit better than I used to be. I was pretty bad during the summer. I'm pretty sure you would be hate me walking up to you in the hall or coming to your house again, so an email is the best way for me to explain.**

**The point of this is that I wanted to tell you that I'm here to help if you need to talk about anything. Cuz you may not think so but I understand what how to feel when it seems like there's no point. And yeah, I'm bad at talking in person so, you don't have to even look at me in the hall or respond to this email.**

**I'm just saying, I'm here if you want anything.**

**Sincerely me,**  
**Evan Hansen**


	6. Email 2 (C)

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_This is weird as fuck._  
_You realise that, right?_  
_And it's pretty gay._  
_Also how the fuck did you get my email?_  
_Thanks for trying to help though._

_Sincerely me,_  
_Connor Murphy._


End file.
